100+ days of desert wandering
I feel I’m in the desert. I’ve been wandering and busy for so long; just over a hundred days to be precise. I can’t hear The Lord’s voice anymore. I don’t know how to stop. Nor do I know how to listen.
All I do I offer to Him. But I feel he’s angry with me. I’ve ignored Him for so long my heart has hardened to Him. It’s as though He’s sworn His oath to his people as in Psalm 94, and will not let me rest!
This is what the enemy wants me to believe.
The whining voice of the master of lies is clear.
He calls me by my sins and he shows me all my mistakes.
Why go to the Father?
He doesn’t want you!
Fallen yet again!
He has not time for your snivelling and grovelling!
How many times does He have to forgive you? How many times are you really worthy to be forgiven??
And given a chance, it goes on and on and on…
Yet once again I turn up here in Your presence.
I’m caught up in this plea for grace and rest. I just want to sit here at His feet. The master of lies’ voice might be clear, but this body of mine keeps finding its way back here. Back into The Presence.
Faith and belief. Such strange and weak things, considered by those who do not understand. Neither truly belong to the world we now live in. Yet both so very desperately needed.
Faith brings me back time and again.
Belief makes me listen for the whispers of love. The calling of my name. Yes, His voice for now maybe drowned, but He still calls my name.
I know it’s Him, because He calls me by my name not by my faults.
So I sit here in Your presence. And I ask You to help me.
Help this soul that doesn’t know how to sit still!
Help this soul that’s struggling to see you in a world of chaos and mess.
Help me find you.
Help me let Your light in.
Help me cut back the distractions that take me from You.
Help me let go of my pride, fear and insecurities and find you once again.
I bring all I have and all I am to you.
It’s all too heavy to carry alone. I just need your help.
There’s a depth inside, and a cavern of hunger. Hunger for you in the Blessed Sacrament. Please help me not to fill this void with chaos, but instead clear it out so I can bring it to you for divine filling.
And in faith He answers; that Father of mine!
Of course child come here.
You’re weary. You are burdened.
Come and sit here at my feet, bagage and all.
Dump all you are and all you have on the pristine white clothes of this altar. Make them messy, muddy, and black. Filth is good, bring it here to me. Bring it to this altar of sacrifice and I will cover it all with my blood. I will wash it clean, I will wash you clean and I will feed you. Oh! How I have missed you!
Life is messy and this world wants to crucify you, not in the same sense as they did Me, but in other ways. The enemy wants you to crucify you through your mind. The snake wants you to condemn yourself, and encourages you to put up your walls. But it’s those walls that keep us apart and surround you in darkness. And as you know, that’s just the beginning!
I am here.
Here I am!
Some come! Rest your weary head and come.
Bring life’s troubles and cares.. come.
I will feed you! Come!
I will fill you with my mercy and grace, if you only just let me. Come!
I am who am. COME!!!!
Words and images by Lisa VO
Images of St Joseph’s RC Church, Lancaster UK